Napalm & Mega Snacks

Just clarification on what happened to me last week.

It started on Thursday I think? I can’t remember if it started right when I woke up or what. But, either way. I felt… absolutely nothing. No emotions, I mean. I would sometimes react to things like I did feel something, but I didn’t. I’m gonna have to use cliche words here, but it’s really how I felt. I felt like just this hollow shell of nothing just floating around. I would sit and cry sometimes, like I was getting overwhelmed by it, but I didn’t feel anything. There were just tears and… no feeling whatsoever to go along with them.

It was the weirdest thing. I know I should’ve felt afraid of what was happening. Looking back on it, it really unnerves me. But at the time I was just… blank.

It went on for three days. I figured it would end after a good night’s sleep, but it was still there on Friday. I just sort of trudged through the day. I slept a lot. I sat at the computer for a few hours and maybe giggled at a few things, and maybe cried some more. But I still felt absolutely no hint of emotion.

On Saturday I went to my writing class from 3-9. Like the night before, I maybe laughed at a few things with my friends. Smiled a bit. Cried at people reading very heartwarming stories. But there was still nothing. The only new thing was that I wanted to die. But there wasn’t that usual desperation, or sadness or depression to go along with it. I just, in a very bland and matter-of-fact way, wanted to die.

That night, I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I kept crying and was almost feeling something, but it was a bad something. I felt like my brain had literally shattered into a thousand pieces, and I was scrambling to pick them all up. I felt completely broken. And almost terrified, almost sad, almost panicking. But the hollowness was so overwhelming it was like I had no hope. Nothing was just breaking into more nothing. It was a pretty scary few hours and I have a blank in my memory for most of it.

I started to feel a little better after the breakdown, though. And by feel better, I really mean… I started to actually feel things again. I was able to genuinely smile at pictures of Fi, and I repeated her theme for hours until I felt that fluttering in my chest that I always felt. Just anything to get some sort of reaction out of myself.

Saturday night, around 11:45, I went upstairs. I turned on the tv and browsed around, and nothing was on. But I saw that the new Transformers Prime episode, that I had missed before, was going to be re-airing. So I figured I’d watch it. So I did.

Since Prime hasn’t had any new episodes in so long, it sorta faded away a bit in the background to me. I didn’t want it to. It’s one of the most dear series to my heart out of all of them, and I think it was some sort of defense mechanism so I didn’t lose my goddamn mind waiting for season 2. But anyways, I felt a bit of gladness that I could see it.

The episode itself didn’t have any particular moments that made me explode with feelings, but it was… the entire thing. It was just the ridiculous reaction I had, I was just sobbing and sobbing because I felt real happiness for the first time in 3 whole days. I was so happy to see those stupid goddamn transforming robots on TV again that everything just became so wonderful and I could FEEL again.

I blame it all on Ratchet, because seeing him and hearing him talk regularly sent me into fits of stupid and feelings to begin with. So, seeing him again after not having any new episodes or anything completely broke this weird wall of no emotions that had suddenly appeared around me. I felt like I had collected all those shards of my mind and put them back together. I felt like I was back to my old self. Because I had emotions again.

Then later I put on the Skyward Sword soundtrack, and got all ridiculously giggly over Fi singing, and had my normal reactions to everything. Like usual. Basically seeing Ratchet again restarted the heartbeat of my emotions. Like, with the electrical thingies, and the CLEAR, and the stuff that doctors do. It was like a big ol’ doctory needle stab of GO AWAY CREEPY EMOTIONLESSNESS!!

The whole breakdown of whatever I had going on caused me to get really sick, so I didn’t go to class the next day. I’ve… actually got a cold right now but that’s completely unrelated. In general, I’m back to my old self and I’m healed. As you can probably tell by this thing descending into me just throwing words at the keyboard andasfgsfhfhfgjh.

Thanks Ratchet for saving my feelings 8U

FI YOU DIDN’T DO SHIT THANKS FOR NOTHING LADY >B(